This isn’t a standard daily update. This is something more…
I have a couple of close friends who are also blogging their journeys, and it made me realize that I don’t share much outside of ‘this is what I ate, this is how my day went, this is what I weigh’. Not that this is necessarily bad. It’s just not really my nature to be really forthcoming with what is usually introspection. I just read a post by my friend who has recently joined Overeaters Anonymous. His post almost brought me to tears… It was a run-down of some of his earliest memories. Many of which were binge eating/hiding food related. I knew he’d always struggled with is weight (weight is always one of those painfully obvious subjects), but I never knew the REAL struggle he had with food. It got me to thinking… It made me think I should do up a post with more about myself.
This is a long one, so click the jump to see the rest…
I’ve not always been fat. This is fairly new for me. Only for about 13 years, actually.
I have always been a big girl, though. I’m tall (5′ 10.5″ / @179cm) and I’ve always been pretty muscular. When I was 16, I thought I was fat… but, looking back on pictures from then, I realize now I was just bigger than everyone else and I mistook it for “fat” (as many a teenage girl does). I was really active, though, so I never dieted and I just ‘lived’ with being bigger than everyone else.
When I got married, at 23, I wasn’t fat – even though if you listen to the stupid BMI stuff, I was at the high end of ‘overweight’. I weighed 195 pounds and I looked awesome!
A year or so before we got married, though, I had an emergency surgery. I think that was the start of my down-hill slope. I had a mass in my abdomen, and to remove it, they made a 5 inch incision in my belly. Then, to top it off… after we were married, I started seeing hubby’s doctor, as I didn’t have a general practitioner. I really think he hated women. Or maybe he just hated me… But, because I was so “obese”, he put me on a diet. A diet, that no matter how careful I was & stuck to it, I managed to pack on 60 pounds in less than a year. The doc was horrible. I was going to him every week, and every week -when the scale went up instead of down- he insisted that I was cheating on the diet, he insisted that I was doing something wrong, he made me feel HORRIBLE about myself. Needless to say, I didn’t stay with that doctor much longer. (I did find a new doc, who I’m still with 12 years later, who -while fully happy to help me with any weight loss goals- has never pushed me or made me feel bad about myself.)
The years go by… and I creep up in weight, and I work on getting it down some… then I creep up more… down a little bit. See the cycle here? I haven’t seen a weight with a 1 in front of it since I got married!
I’m super-fortunate that my hubby adores me no matter what weight I am. And is supportive through all of my trial and error in weight loss.
Over the past decade, I’ve tried super low-calorie/low-fat diets (that’s what packed the 60 pounds on me – my body was starving & holding EVERYTHING), I’ve tried Atkins/Protein Power (which was fairly successful – I got down to about 240 – but it’s super hard to maintain that lifestyle), I’ve tried Weight Watchers (which worked for a little while and then seemed to stop), I’ve tried Fat Flush (which is healthier than it sounds, actually), I’ve tried Eating Clean (which is actually how I plan to live my life after I’m done with these hCG rounds)… And the list just goes on! Those are just the eating methods! Never mind about all the different snake oils & charms I’ve tried. (Yeah, Miracle Burn? Not so much! Zantrax? AWFUL side affects+no weight loss!) I know that one of the big problems is that I’m inherently lazy. I don’t like to exercise. But, it’s getting better. But, I’ll do it for a while & then just start slacking again. I get frustrated and discouraged, and I just quit.
So, now I’m doing this hCG Protocol. Will I keep it off once I get there? I don’t know… It’ll be one day at a time. Always having to pay attention to making the right choices… This blogging helps and I plan to continue with it, even once I’m at my goal weight. Not that I’ve decided on a goal weight yet… I figured I’ll try to go down until I feel great & can maintain it. I’m generally aiming for right around 210 right now.
It’s weird, but at this point in my life, it’s easier for me to be ‘accountable’ for what I eat to strangers… rather than those I love. But, every step brings one closer to where they need to be, right? I find it embarrassing to be so big, and I’m embarrassed about food. I still get embarrassed about dieting around my friends, I think because I don’t want them to see that I have to struggle. I know that love and support is what I get, but my brain just can’t grasp that. All I see is that I’m struggling and I don’t want them to love me less because I’m not as ‘strong’ as I should be or come across as pathetic or needy.
As far as I know, only two of my friends know I do this blog. And right now, only one follows it. And, I’m okay with that. I do really appreciate all of you out there who read my journey and make comments. I also appreciate you who just follow me silently, because I know you’re there. It helps keep me honest. Knowing that I will be telling the world what, exactly, I ate that day will often make me rethink eating something. So, thank you.